Roast Station
Every Roast, Properly Filed.
624 roasts in the newsroom so far. This page is the real browse surface: paginated, filterable, and built to keep the archive readable instead of pretending to be a second homepage.
OpenAI IPO Audit Flags Advisers Pushing Delay
Start-up grapples with financial challenges while its executive gets told to sit on the biggest payday in tech.
Microsoft Stretches Windows 10 Life Support One More Year
The extended update program gets another extension because a quarter of PCs refuse to quit running the previous operating system
Venezuelan Earthquakes Get Labeled 'Unusual But Not Unheard Of'
Scientists already gathering data for that detailed picture while the ground does whatever the hell it wants.
Notion Mail Audit: Agent Takeover Claims Another Inbox
Company discontinuing email service as users increasingly let the AI agent run the whole damn show.
General Intuition Bets Millions on Gameplay Fixing AI
Company raises $320M claiming endless game data will develop something called real-world intuition.
Absurdity Audit: Neoclouds Pay $15M to Go Live Sooner
Netris provides switch software that operators claim will shave days off AI setups, backed by a16z faith.
JPMorgan Succession Bleeds Out Another Lake
Marianne Lake exits as yet another potential successor, leaving the bank thinner while the longstanding executive clings on.
Micron Outlook Cranks Market Ego Meter to Ludicrous
Stocks climb on chipmaker forecasts while the artificial-intelligence trade pretends one data release erased all risk.
Matlala Pleads Guilty, Offers Evidence on High-Ranking Officials
The 'cooperating witness' label gets stretched when prosecutors suddenly discover corruption has important names attached.
Prime Day Apple Audit: Discounted Dreams, Zero Receipts
A formal review finds the best AirPods and smartwatch deals are mostly just Amazon doing Amazon things again.
Sevastopol's Governor Promises Lights by Evening Like It's a Rain Delay
Moscow-installed spin turns Ukraine strikes into a temporary inconvenience for the biggest city in Crimea.
Deezer's Remix Feature: Consent as AI's Polite Fig Leaf
Streaming service goes contrarian by letting fans remix songs, provided the artist signs off on whatever comes next.
Frankel’s ‘Biggest Beauty Discovery’ Hits Prime Day Clearance
When every rave review lines up with the sale price, the discovery starts sounding more like a deal memo.
Mamdani-Backed Progressives Steamroll Democratic Primaries
Absurdity audit confirms the establishment just took a hell of a beating from three targeted wins.
ElevenLabs AI Caine Odyssey Is Peak Corporate Laziness
They announced a 13-hour Michael Caine narrating version while real stars already exist for Christopher Nolan's film
Ego Meter Hits Boiling Point Over Open Schools
Officials in Britain insist classrooms without air-conditioning can handle record temperatures while teachers and parents watch the delusion climb.
Micron Earnings Loom as AI Gets Benefit of Doubt
Stocks climb ahead of results while investors pretend artificial intelligence spending has already paid off.
Hank Hill's Eternal Youth Scam Exposed at Annecy Screening
Mike Judge vows zero aging for the propane salesman while Hank rages at electric trucks like it's 1997.