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Satirical newsroom dispatch

Amber Alerts: UK Admits Southern England Is Now A Slow Cooker

Longest-lasting heatwave since 1976 rolls in with 36C temperatures and health warnings that still sound like polite suggestions.

Jul 8 · Lead roast from the wire.

Amber Alerts: UK Admits Southern England Is Now A Slow Cooker

Quick World Hits

  1. 01WorldSPICY 74

    ICC Prosecutor’s ‘Engaged’ Conduct Gets Confidential Review

  2. 02WorldSPICY 75

    Air Canada Audits CEO Language After Crash Condolence Flop

  3. 03WorldSPICY 73

    Earth's Missing 500 Million: Blame Cosmic Bombardment

  4. 04WorldMEDIUM 62

    Hormuz Audit: Shipowners Still Willing to Roll Dice

Editor’s Pick

NHS Bribes You to Walk 30 Minutes Like It's Nobel-Worthy
WorldSPICY 73VULGAR

NHS Bribes You to Walk 30 Minutes Like It's Nobel-Worthy

Marathon a month scheme ropes in former Olympic medallist Brendan Foster to sell basic movement as achievement

Most Devastating

Martian Rock Carbon Find Keeps All Explanations Open
WorldMEDIUM 58

Martian Rock Carbon Find Keeps All Explanations Open

Biology could explain the carbon spike but other potential causes are still politely invited to the party.

Fresh Burns

Crimea's Emergency Declaration Exposes Annexation Math
WorldMEDIUM 62

Crimea's Emergency Declaration Exposes Annexation Math

Jun 26

Officials Spin Record Heatwave as Weekend Relief Plan
WorldMEDIUM 58

Officials Spin Record Heatwave as Weekend Relief Plan

Jun 26

Venezuelan Earthquakes Get Labeled 'Unusual But Not Unheard Of'
WorldSPICY 72

Venezuelan Earthquakes Get Labeled 'Unusual But Not Unheard Of'

Jun 25

Iran MOU Audit: Breathing Room or Slow-Motion Stab
WorldSPICY 88

Iran MOU Audit: Breathing Room or Slow-Motion Stab

Jun 20

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Forecasters Suggest Summer Has an Increased Chance of Heat
WorldMEDIUM 58· Jun 27

Forecasters Suggest Summer Has an Increased Chance of Heat

The careful wording lets everyone pretend serial heatwaves are still a surprise rather than the new baseline.

Iran's Strait of Hormuz Toll Scheme Gets Audited
WorldMEDIUM 62· Jun 23

Iran's Strait of Hormuz Toll Scheme Gets Audited

Weaponized waterway now comes with fees for nervous businesses, because control isn't complete without the invoice.

Qatar Clears Ras Laffan Blast: Exports Still Golden
WorldMEDIUM 62· Jun 22

Qatar Clears Ras Laffan Blast: Exports Still Golden

Absurdity audit reveals the explosion at the industrial complex somehow left liquefied gas shipments completely unimpacted.

Australia's Underground Cocaine Stockpile Fails Basic Audit
WorldMEDIUM 62· Jun 22

Australia's Underground Cocaine Stockpile Fails Basic Audit

Police find 2.7 tonnes hidden on a western Sydney property, proving billion-dollar plans still need decent hiding spots.