The Secret Service has wrapped its formal review of Saturday’s checkpoint incident, and the findings read like a management slide deck written by someone who hates both paperwork and gunmen.
According to the report, the 21-year-old subject approached the White House perimeter, produced a firearm, and elected to discharge it at trained personnel. Analysts noted this tactic scored poorly on the “likely to improve your day” metric.
Agents returned fire with the calm efficiency of people whose performance reviews hinge on not getting shot. The gunman was transported to a local hospital, where further evaluation confirmed the audit’s preliminary conclusion that bullets and bad decisions mix poorly.
One section flagged the location—near Pennsylvania Avenue—as particularly ill-advised for test-firing personal theories about security gaps. The final verdict was delivered in dry bureaucratic language: the approach failed to achieve its stated objectives and is not recommended for replication.
No changes to existing protocols were suggested, largely because the existing protocol already includes the phrase “don’t shoot the Secret Service.”
